Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Best Medicine

Laughing it up with a manikin in China

“Better to laugh than cry, says I.” It was the motto Naomi and I tried to remember as we worked together as resident assistants in a freshman dormitory during our junior year of college. It seemed like our floor of girls had more than its share of problems, taxing both our wisdom and relational skills. They also threatened our emotional well being (both the girls and their problems). The phrase, Naomi’s brainchild, helped return smiles to our faces and laughter to our hearts (if not our lips), even in the most trying of times.

If I didn’t have cancer, I might say that my urologist is one of my biggest trials these days. Don’t misunderstand me—he’s a skilled doctor and I am very grateful for his care over the past year. But bedside manner? That he is lacking in this department is an understatement of classic proportions.

Take, for example, the day in March 2009 when he discussed my surgery options. If he removed my kidney with a laparoscopic procedure, the surgical trauma would be minimized because he would be working through four holes in my left side. (Pardon my simplifying things so greatly.) If I elected for him to perform open surgery, he would be able to see better (no use of monitors) and any excessive bleeding that might suddenly occur could be dealt with more easily and quickly. The down side, however, would be a longer recovery time and more unsightly scarring, although since I’d long ago retired my bikini, I really had little reason to care. Still, I chose the more difficult procedure as I considered a swifter recovery.

“That’s good,” my doctor agreed with my decision. “I’m not sure I could cut through all your belly fat if you’d chosen open surgery.”

I was too stunned—and embarrassed—by his words to retort, though many not-too-nice thoughts about his lack of bedside manner crowded my head. I’m sure I also shot a few daggers with my eyes. They must have missed him, though, because his bedside manner never improved.

Just last week came his latest verbal faux pas as I was discussing my rising blood pressure. According to the literature on Sutent, my anti-cancer drug, heart stress is a common side effect—which makes you wonder why this doctor has never once taken my blood pressure or even asked about it during this past year! (For that matter, he’s never checked my weight, either, although remembering my inordinate belly fat, that’s probably a good thing. But that’s another story.)

In any case, I reported to my doctor in layman’s terms that my blood pressure had risen into the 150-165 range on top, with the bottom number in the 100-110 range. With hardly a flicker of interest, he assured me that this isn’t dangerous yet. “Besides,” he added nonchalantly, “elderly people tend to have higher blood pressure anyway.”

After a year of experiencing his limited bedside manner, I was ready for this jolt to my self-esteem. “Doctor,” I responded emphatically, “I am not elderly!” “Oh, excuse me,” he mumbled in reply, his sincerity definitely questionable. Still, I let it go, covering my chagrin with laughter no more truthful than his apology had been.

Since then, however, I’ve related the incident numerous times to friends and family. Each telling is more enjoyable and the laughter is genuine. In the process, I’ve relearned the truth that laughter really is the best medicine (and it costs nothing, unlike Sutent).

Realistically, Dr. M. probably won’t change his bedside manner, even if more of his patients chide him. (Of course, no polite Japanese would ever be so bold or bad-mannered as to challenge a doctor. They leave that to the foreigners.) Nevertheless, I’m feeling much better, thanks to this wonderful elixir. I think I’m due for another dose right now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tears of Truth

Seeing "our" babies off at Narita Airport

I don’t usually cry at airports. Goings and comings are such a part of the lives of missionaries that you get used to it. Kind of. Not that we aren’t sad to see someone leave or to go ourselves, but you just can’t cry at every departure. What a reputation you’d get, not to mention the headaches you’d have to endure and all the tissues you’d have to buy. My kids don’t allow me to cry quietly at movies or TV shows in the privacy of my own home. Can you imagine the scene they’d create in an airport?

All of which is to say that I was truly surprised at my tears the other day when we saw off our daughter and her two children at Narita Airport. I was completely unprepared when the tears welled up in my eyes as I kissed our grandchildren.

“Mama, don’t start that,” Stephanie warned me, as if I had some control and could turn the spigot on and off at will. But it was too late anyway; there was no holding the tears back. Poor Little Ben. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his Coco; he was obviously worried about me. Still, I couldn’t bite my lip and force the tears back inside. Trying to smile through tears, I waved at them as they disappeared into the security area. Even after I could see them no longer, my cheeks were wet with the parting.

Although this time my tears were fewer and more controlled, the scene reminded me of the first time we left Japan 30 years ago. During our three years of living in Japan, we’d made many friends and had become very comfortable. Now we were headed “home” to America and I didn’t expect to see Japan and our friends here ever again. After saying farewell to about 20 people who’d accompanied us to the airport and managing to keep smiling through it all, I started down the jet way. Suddenly the tears were as evident as the carry on bag I was wrestling to control. By the time we were seated, a few tears had multiplied into a torrent and I couldn’t stop crying.

But last Saturday? What was that all about? After all, our plans are to see Stephanie’s family again in May. That’s less than four months away—hardly an eternity. Considering all that is packed into the weeks between now and then, our next time together will be here before I know it. Why was I crying like this?

Pondering my unexpected display of emotion, I fished in my coat pocket for a tissue and found a used one to recycle; it was better than nothing. And suddenly I understood. What had happened really had much less to do with Stephanie and our grandchildren than with the uncertainties of living with cancer. No one has any guarantee that plans they make will come to pass, that they will live beyond the present moment. It’s a certainty we all know if we stop to think about it. But unless one is quite old—I’m not there yet, no matter what anybody says—it takes a catastrophic illness like cancer or a disastrous natural calamity like the Haiti earthquake to remind us of the truth we’d rather deny: life is a fragile gift that we hold only tentatively in our hands.

It’s irresponsible not to make plans and preparations for the future. In fact, I’m eagerly looking forward to May as I check date books, get airplane reservations, and take care of other related details to make it all happen. But the truth of the matter—and the attitude I want to live by—is best expressed by David in Psalm 31:14-15: “I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Indeed.